Big Red Flags For Bad Bosses
by Red Witch
Summary: Something the Figgis Agency is more than familiar with.


**The disclaimer telling you that I don't own any Archer characters is reading an online article somewhere. I saw this article online and I thought…This fits in perfectly with this group. I had to do this. **

**Big Red Flags For Bad Bosses. **

"Man, I should have gotten into computer programming," Pam sighed as she looked at her laptop in the bullpen.

"I know right?" Ray sighed as he sat on the couch reading a magazine. "Why the hell did I take cheerleading as an elective?"

"I'm guessing because there were a few cute cheerleading guys?" Pam gave him a look.

"Oh right," Ray smirked.

"Hey," Lana walked in carrying several bags. "What a morning."

"Where have **you **been?" Ray asked. "And what's in the bags? It looks like you went shopping."

"I did. There are a couple more children's clothing stores going out of business," Lana showed them the bags. "I got so much for barely anything."

"Good, because that's what we make," Ray quipped. "Barely anything."

"Ooh, what did you get?" Pam asked.

"I stopped at Exercise-Atrium first," Lana showed them. "I got some new socks for AJ. Marked down two dollars for ten pairs. A cute top for only four dollars and this coat for nine."

"Those are good deals," Ray said. "And that coat is **so cute!** I could just eat it with a spoon!"

"Figuratively right?" Pam asked.

"Yes," Ray nodded. "You can't take that literally!"

"You'd be surprised," Pam shrugged. "I once knew a kid that ate an entire sweater for fifty bucks. Unfortunately, it turned out he was extremely allergic to wool."

"I'm getting allergic to the crazy stories around here," Ray remarked. "Keep going Lana. What else did you get?"

"I also got some free kids' hair scrunchies and a counter mirror for five dollars," Lana said. "The mirror was one of the fixtures they were trying to get rid of and I could use a new one."

"Some of the best furniture I ever had was from stores going out of business," Pam admitted. "I should check out that Wharf Five store going out of business. They have some counter space that would look great in my bedroom."

"I hear that Lordstrom's downtown is also closing," Ray said.

"Really?" Pam said. "Ooh! They have nice furniture. I wonder if they markdown those pianos they used to have somebody play when you walked in?"

"Do you play the piano?" Lana asked.

"No, but I figure the right one would look really classy," Pam said. "Become a conversation piece. Or a new place to screw on. Whichever."

"There's also those Mears stores that are closing," Ray added. "You can get some stuff there."

"Pass," Pam waved. "What else did you get Lana?"

"I got some cute shoes at Insane Nine," Lana showed them. "Two pairs marked down twenty dollars. One a size up for AJ to grow into."

"Smart," Ray nodded.

"About five tops all down fifty percent off," Lana said. "With an extra twenty because I had a coupon. A pair of jeans seventy five percent off. Some pajamas two different sizes for AJ to grow into seventy percent off. And a stuffed unicorn."

"A rainbow unicorn?" Ray took it out and looked at it. "I thought you were cutting back on stuffed animals for her?"

"I got the stuffed unicorn for free," Lana admitted. "The cashiers at Insane Nine were giving stuffed animals away with every purchase. Whether you wanted them or not."

"Let me guess," Pam said. "They were a little pissed off because they were losing a paycheck and their pension plans."

"A little," Lana looked in the bag. "Huh. That may explain this stuffed panda I got for free too."

"Must have thrown it in to say 'Screw You' to their bosses and their creditors," Pam looked. "That's happened to me before. Not as often as I'd like but…"

"I'm going to save the panda for AJ's birthday," Lana said. "At least I'll be able to give her something."

"I think you did well," Ray said. "I keep waiting for a men's store to go out of business."

"Wait a few weeks," Pam said. "The way this retail economy is going, something will be going out of business sooner or later."

"Like us," Lana groaned. "I keep thinking any day is the day that something is going to happen and we're going to have to change careers again."

"I know one thing," Ray said. "If we do lose our jobs as detectives, I'm not going into the retail industry."

"Testify," Pam said. "I've been reading these industry blogs and websites looking for possible new careers. What's hot. What's the best paying? Things like that. I **knew **I should have gone to dental school instead of taking those business classes in college."

"I could see you as a dentist," Lana admitted.

"Me too," Ray nodded.

"I just read this article online," Pam pointed to her laptop. "Twenty Signs You Have A Terrible Boss."

"Is committing treason one of them?" Ray quipped.

"Oddly enough no," Pam said.

"This sounds like a fun way to kill time," Ray said.

"Good thing Mallory isn't here," Lana said. "Or else she'd kill us."

"Let's do it just for laughs," Ray said. "We can even use it to see if Cyril is a bad boss."

"I'm in," Lana said as she sat down.

"Number One," Pam said. "They schedule meetings for when you are out of the office."

"I wish Ms. Archer or Cyril would do that," Ray grumbled. "Make our lives much easier."

"Obviously both Cyril and Mallory pass **that one**," Lana said. "But I'm sure there are plenty of others they'd fail at. Read the next one Pam."

"Number Two," Pam said. "Phrasing…All your assignments feel easy."

"Again…" Ray groaned. "I **wish!"**

"Number Three," Pam went to the next one. "They carbon copy you on every single e-mail."

"I don't think either Ms. Archer or Cyril even **bothers** to send us an e-mail," Ray said. "Let alone sends copies of it to other people."

"If they want to say something they just walk right up and say it," Pam nodded. "Huh, so far they're passing this test with flying colors."

"**Both **Cyril and Mallory passed **three questions** on being a bad boss?" Lana asked. "That can't be right."

"I agree," Ray said. "That number is unusually high."

"Number Four," Pam read. "They swear at you."

"**There **we go," Ray said.

"I knew we'd hit **one** eventually," Pam nodded. "I just thought that would happen a lot sooner."

"Me too," Ray said. "But to be fair everyone swears around here so…"

"A half credit for that one," Pam nodded. "Number Five. They give you the silent treatment when you mess up."

"I wish they **would**!" Ray said.

"Getting them to **shut up** is more of a challenge," Lana admitted.

"Number Six," Pam said. "They swear you are going to get a promotion soon."

"They never say that," Lana said.

"I give them credit for at least telling you where you stand," Ray pointed out. "They don't get your hopes up."

"Yeah they dash them to pieces right away," Pam nodded. "Huh, so far those two are passing more than half of these questions. That can't be right."

"Most of these questions they **passed?**" Lana was stunned. "This is unbelievable!"

"Number Seven," Pam went on. "They tell racist, sexist or inappropriate jokes."

"AH HA!" Ray pointed.

"**There** we go," Lana nodded. "I mean Cyril isn't as bad as Mallory. In his case it's mostly cluelessness."

"Yeah but to be fair," Pam pointed out. "So does everybody else in this office. Mostly Archer."

"And you," Ray looked at her.

"I guess we're talking half a point?" Pam shrugged. "Which makes a full one in the plus column."

"Those two are doing unusually well on this quiz," Ray said to Lana. "I'm shocked."

"Me too," Lana said.

"Number Eight," Pam read. "They don't know anything about your weekend plans or vice versa."

"Are you **kidding?**" Lana was stunned. "I always thought that was a **good thing!" **

"Me too," Ray nodded.

"We'll give them a pass on that one," Pam said. "Besides, they pretty much know almost everything that goes on here anyway. Well Cyril does. And Ms. Archer when she's not deep into the hooch."

"Mostly because of you, Pam," Ray said.

"Not just me," Pam said.

"You're the one who has the gossip blog," Lana said. "Titled _Pam's Gossip Train!"_

"I haven't written in that thing in **months** and you know it!" Pam defended.

"Everybody knows there are three surefire ways to get news around here," Ray said. "Telephone, television, **tell Pam**!"

"We can't blame either Mallory or Cyril for this one when we all know **you're **the one around here spreading the most gossip," Lana agreed.

"Is it my fault enquiring minds want to know?" Pam asked.

"You should have been a reporter," Ray said.

"I should have," Pam realized. "I was really good at it for the school newspaper. I had a very popular column. Until I was kicked off after reporting about the secret affair between the vice principal and the janitor."

"That must have been a very popular newspaper," Ray realized.

"Well not with the teachers," Pam admitted. "Or some parents. And definitely not with the janitor."

"Just move on Pam," Lana sighed.

"Number Nine," Pam went on. "They know every detail of your personal life, love life and or divorce."

"Again," Lana looked at Pam. "That's because of **you,** Pam!"

"To be fair a lot of that does happen at the office," Ray snickered.

"Mallory always complains that she knows _**too much**_ about our personal lives," Lana said. "Again…We have to give those two a pass."

"Number Ten," Pam went on. "They never ask for your opinion."

"That one we have to split," Lana said. "Mallory doesn't. But Cyril does."

"That's because Cyril isn't exactly Mr. Think Tank," Ray pointed out. "But he does listen. I will give him that."

"Number Eleven," Pam looked at the list. "They talk about themselves constantly."

They all looked at each other. Then they started to laugh.

"Oh yeah," Ray laughed. "That's **them** all right!"

"True," Pam snickered.

"Definitely," Lana laughed.

"Number Twelve," Pam went on. "They make fun of you or punish you for making mistakes."

"That one is more Ms. Archer than Cyril," Ray pointed out. "Mostly because he makes so many mistakes."

"Huh," Pam realized. "So far Cyril is the better boss by two points."

"I don't believe it," Ray said.

"That Cyril is a better boss?" Pam asked.

"No, by how thin the margin is," Ray said. "I mean I know Cyril isn't much but I thought he'd at least be five points ahead of Ms. Archer."

"Me too," Lana realized.

Pam read. "Number Thirteen. They fix your mistakes for you. Wait, I thought that was a sign of a **good** boss?"

"So did I," Ray realized.

"I guess it depends on the mistake," Lana shrugged. "I mean think about the times Mallory covered up when Krieger's experiments went awry and killed some interns…"

"That's a good example of covering up in a positive way," Pam nodded.

"Not for the interns," Ray remarked.

"Number Fourteen," Pam went on. "They refuse to look you in the eye."

"Well that's definitely **not** Ms. Archer," Ray said. "She always wants to see the look on your face when she insults you."

"Or Cyril…" Lana paused. "Unless he's done something extremely stupid he doesn't want to admit."

"Or looking at your boobs," Pam added.

"Technically Ms. Archer passes 14 and Cyril **doesn't,**" Ray said. "Which narrows the lead by one. I am shocked. Just shocked."

"Number Fifteen," Pam read from the list. "They surprise you with a negative performance review."

"That's **never** a surprise around here," Ray remarked. "It's more of a surprise when Ms. Archer says something **positive**."

"Number Sixteen," Pam read. "They complain about you to your co-workers behind your back."

"Ms. Archer constantly complains about all of us to our **faces,**" Ray said. "This does not apply to her."

"And Cyril will whine to anybody who will listen to him so…" Lana shrugged. "Technically they pass this one. By an extremely narrow margin, but they pass this one."

"Number Seventeen," Pam went on. "They use negative body language."

"Does throwing vases count?" Ray asked.

"I think it does," Lana said. "And shooting people."

"Not to mention punching them in the balls and slapping them," Ray added. "That's definitely some negative body language."

"Again, this sounds more like Ms. Archer than Cyril," Pam said. "Cyril's up again by two."

"This is becoming a nail biter," Ray said.

"I had no idea this was going to be so close," Lana admitted.

"Number Eighteen," Pam read. "They encourage you to come to work sick."

"That is definitely **not **either Cyril or Ms. Archer," Ray said. "Not only do they not want you to come into work sick, they want you to stay the hell away from them!"

"I don't know," Lana said. "Remember all the times that Brett was shot? She expected him to answer the phone."

"True but that was more of a workplace incident," Pam shrugged. "Number Nineteen. They go out and don't tell you where they are going when they leave the office."

"That doesn't apply to us either," Ray said. "We **know** where Ms. Archer goes. Either to the hospital or the bar."

"Sometimes both," Pam nodded. "And Cyril isn't that different. He's always here. I think. Honestly I just don't care sometimes."

"Me too," Lana nodded. "Technically they both pass that one too."

"Number Twenty," Pam finished. "Your boss talks constantly about their private life. I thought that was one of the **perks** of the job!"

"I agree," Ray said. "Ms. Archer's stories may be disturbing but they are certainly entertaining!"

"This list is **bogus!"** Pam snapped. "Nothing about treason or bosses throwing stuff…"

"Slapping people," Lana added.

"Stealing your pension," Ray added.

"Constantly threatening to burn the office to the ground," Lana added. "Getting you involved in a cocaine cartel. Hiring your own son and giving him all the choice assignments."

"Putting a burn notice on your own son," Pam added.

"Shooting your own son," Ray added. "And several employees."

"Forcing your employees to dispose of the bodies of former lovers," Pam added. "And sometimes co-workers."

"Lying to the police and the CIA," Ray added.

"Having an affair with the head of the KGB," Lana added.

"Having you steal other people's mail," Pam added.

"Setting other people's apartments on fire," Lana added. "As well as dead bodies."

"Getting you involved in a cocaine cartel," Ray added. "Seriously, that's a big red flag right there!"

"Masturbating in the office," Lana added. "And the office elevator."

"That one is Cyril," Ray nodded.

"However did you **guess?"** Lana asked sarcastically.

"These people who wrote this article obviously never worked in a **real office**," Pam remarked.

"Either that or we haven't," Ray admitted.

"According to this article," Pam looked at her laptop. "A lot of bosses have some bad behavior. And that both Ms. Archer and Cyril fall into the average category."

"WHAT?" Lana was stunned.

"If Cyril and Mallory Archer are **average bosses**," Ray was stunned. "I don't want to **know **what a **bad one** is!"

"Well this is God Damn depressing," Pam admitted. "I mean if you think about it, we are pretty lucky. We come into work pretty much anytime we want now. We get paid for doing absolutely nothing…"

"When our lives aren't in danger," Lana pointed out.

"Said the woman who just got in from spending all morning **shopping**," Ray looked at Lana.

"Point taken," Lana admitted. Then her phone rang. "It's Mallory. I'd better get that."

"We'd better find ways to keep this lame ass job," Pam said to Ray.

"Yeah or else we'd have to work for some **really **bad bosses," Ray admitted as they left the room.

Lana answered the phone. "Hey Mallory how are you doing? Is there any change with Archer's condition? No? Do you want me to come over and sit with you for a bit?"

"No, that's not necessary," Mallory said as she sat next to her son's bed. "I wouldn't want to tear you away from your shopping."

"How did you…?" Lana realized. "God Damn it Pam!"

"How did you know it was her?" Mallory asked.

"Who **else **would it be?" Lana snapped.

"I know," Mallory remarked. "If that woman could move half as fast as she could text, she could give Kathrine Switzer a run for her money. Speaking of running with money…What were you doing **shopping** while you should be **working**?"

"**What **work?" Lana snapped.

"Point taken," Mallory sighed.

Lana added. "I was getting some clothes on sale for AJ from some stores that were closing. I had coupons and some store credit and I had to use it before the stores went under. You know, like you should be doing for Lordstrom's!"

"Lordstrom's is going out of business?"

"Well the one downtown is," Lana admitted.

"Damn it!" Mallory snapped. "I have store credit there too. I wonder if that piano they have on the first floor will be on sale? It would be nice to have as a conversation starter."

"So other than to berate me for trying to provide nice clothes for **your** granddaughter," Lana sighed. "What else is going on?"

"I took this quiz," Mallory told her. "I was looking at the internet on my phone when I found it. Twenty signs you have terrible employees. Did you know you lot passed more than **half **of them?"

"Imagine that," Lana remarked.

"To be fair I gave you a pass on some of them," Mallory admitted. "Because let's be honest some of these questions are just plain stupid!"

"Really?" Lana remarked.

"Get this," Mallory said. "The _geniuses _who wrote this list say that some of the signs are your employees don't speak up and scurry away when they hear your voice! I always thought those were **good** **things**!"

"Huh."

"I also gave you lot a pass on the swearing because let's be honest," Mallory shrugged. "I do that too occasionally. Technically that goes under free speech. They really shouldn't have put that on the list. Which by the way was completely **unrealistic**!"

"What a shock," Lana said in a deadpan tone.

"It had **nothing** about employees stealing from your offshore accounts," Mallory went on. "Screwing up assignments constantly. Falling asleep on the job. Killing interns. Setting fires. Masturbating in the offices or office elevators…When your idiot son brings home a KGB cyborg to marry and she has bangs…Honestly the bangs are a big red flag **alone!**"

"They seem to really skim over all those other situations you could find yourself in," Lana remarked.

"Get this," Mallory said. "According to this dumb ass list, you lot fall into the **average **category! Meaning you idiots are considered **good employees!** Can you **believe** it?"

"Honestly…"

"If you lot are good employees, I don't want to **know** what the bad ones are," Mallory groaned. "Clearly these people who wrote this article never worked in a real office."

"Well **someone** hasn't," Lana remarked to herself.


End file.
